Shadow Hugging and Shadow Boxing
The Archetypal Dance of Relationship
Carl Jung says we are shadow hugging when we have anyone on a pedestal and fantasize they are perfect OR we are shadow boxing when the new wears off and we discover they are human with faults and flaws just like we have.
“We meet ourselves time and again in a thousand disguises on the path of life.”
— Carl Jung
One of the most dramatic truths Carl Jung left us with is this: we do not see others as they are — we see them as we are. Nowhere is this more evident than in our intimate relationships, where unconscious projections — both adoring and vilifying — reveal hidden aspects of ourselves.
Jung wasn’t merely referring to occasional misjudgments or psychological quirks. He was pointing to a fundamental dynamic of the human experience known as projection. We cast our own denied or unrecognized traits onto others, especially those closest to us and even those we barely know. This is what I call the shadow dance.
First We Idealize: Shadow Hugging
In the early stages of all relationships, we often feel intoxicated, mesmerized, fascinated — bewitched. They seem perfect in every way. A soulmate.
We say things like: “I feel like I’ve known them forever,” or “They complete me.” We’re not just falling in love — we’re falling into a projection. This is what Jung called “shadow hugging.” The unconscious act of transferring all the light we have not yet claimed in ourselves onto someone else. We think, I wish I could be more like them.
These traits we admire — happy go lucky, sociability, creativity, sensitivity — often represent potentials within us that we’ve either repressed, disowned, or never cultivated. We don’t yet know we’re in love with our own soul’s potential, mirrored back to us through another. The danger here is that as long as they are carrying our unlived life, we remain dependent on them for our sense of vitality and meaning.
Our infatuation isn’t just love — it’s a hunger to be whole. Jung warned us by saying that this stage we all initially go through when we first meet is not sustainable. No human being can carry the burden of someone else’s unconscious idealizations forever. Eventually, the pedestal cracks. We say the wrong thing, lose our temper, express an unpopular opinion, or get caught in a lie. Our carefully hidden flaws surface — and so do theirs.
Disillusionment Sets In: Shadow Boxing
Sooner or later, the enchanted spell breaks. We start to notice flaws. They do things that irritate us. Often the traits we once adored now become excessive or even annoying. We begin to judge the very characteristics that once drew us in. What was charming now feels immature. What was confident now feels arrogant. This is “shadow boxing” — when the rejected aspects of ourselves, once projected outward, return in the form of disappointment, conflict, blame or even contempt.
We say things like, “They changed,” but in truth, our vision is cleared. The other hasn’t changed — they’ve simply stepped out of the archetype we cast them into and revealed their humanity.
In Jungian terms, this is the return of the shadow. If in the beginning we saw only our golden shadow — our disowned light — we now wrestle with our dark shadow, the qualities we most reject: neediness, anger, selfishness, control, manipulation, whatever. Often, the traits we fight hardest against in the other are precisely those we’ve been unwilling to own in ourselves.
As Jung put it, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
This stage can be profoundly painful. but it is also the beginning of something more authentic. The beginning of real intimacy — if we have the courage to stay.
The Purpose of Projection
Projection is not a mistake. It is how the psyche attempts to integrate what it cannot yet hold consciously. Our unconscious is inviting us both to grow.
In relationships, projection provides the container for the soul’s evolution. If we heed the invitation, the other becomes a sacred mirror — not of perfection or imperfection, but of the deeper Self we are becoming. The one who has compassion.
I will never forget a dinner party where I said something thoughtless in front of my boyfriend’s family. I don’t even remember exactly what I said at the time, but later when we were alone, he said to me, “Don’t beat yourself up. You have so many wonderful qualities.” His kindness and loving acceptance made me want to be a better person. He reflected the highest qualities of the Venus-Neptune aspects we shared — compassion, forgiveness, soul-to-soul love.
From Projection to Spiritual Love
To move beyond projection, we need a strong enough ego to see ourselves and the other clearly — without collapsing into shame or blame. Only a mature ego can tolerate the paradox of being both light and dark, generous and selfish, loving and reactive.
Spiritual love can hold this paradox. It sees the whole person and still chooses to stay.
This doesn’t mean tolerating abuse or remaining in harmful toxic dynamics. Not at all. It means doing the inner work to discern what belongs to the other and what is a mirror of our own psyche. Some people have addictions and problems we are not qualified to help them heal. They have to get help and heal themselves.
It means letting ourselves be seen — not as the idealized persona we started with — but as we truly are. Both dark and light.
The Gift of Truly Seeing Each Other
When we are no longer looking for someone to save us — or someone to blame — we can finally see the person in front of us. Not as a fantasy or a foe, but as a fellow traveler. This is where illusions fall away and real love begins. Not perfect love, but conscious love — the kind that grows in the soil of truth.
As Jung wrote, “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”
This transformation is the sacred alchemy of “real” relationships. But it can only occur when we are willing to see both the Gold and the Shadow — not just in them, but in ourselves.
Every relationship is a mirror.
Every projection is a chance to grow. When we idolize anyone, we are being shown our hidden potential. When we demonize them, we are being asked to face our own darkness. The goal is not to eliminate projection but to become conscious of it — to hold it gently in awareness. The next time you feel the urge to exalt or vilify someone, ask yourself:
What part of me am I seeing in them?
What is this relationship inviting me to reclaim?
What does my unconscious want from me?
Whether we are shadow hugging or shadow boxing, the deeper truth remains: the other is never just the other. They are the living doorway to your own soul.
An Invitation to the 7th House: The Soul’s Mirror
If something in this piece has awakened a flicker of recognition — if you’ve glimpsed a part of yourself in the mirror of love, or felt the magnetic pull of someone who carries your unlived and unknown parts — then you are already walking the path of the 7th House. This house is not merely about romantic partnership. It’s a sacred vessel for soul-making. It’s where the unconscious becomes visible through the other, where your shadows are illuminated, and where — if you’re willing — you can reclaim the lost facets of your being.
In my six-week In-Person (SW Houston) Workshop or Zoom Webinar, we dive into the deep waters of Jung’s Shadow Work and the archetypes that inhabit or rule your Astrological 7th House. Together, we learn to see these energies not as problems to solve, but as guides leading us home to the Self — the God within, as Jung called the God image.
If your soul is whispering yes, you’re invited. The journey is real. The timing is sacred. And you don’t have to walk it alone.
WE ALL HAVE REPEATING PATTERNS. Real change begins with radical self awareness. When you meet your Shadow, you can reclaim your power.
What You Will Learn:
• Face and integrate your Shadow self using Jungian psychology
• Understand projections that occur in relationships
• Explore relationship dynamics through your specific Astrology chart
• Recognize repeating emotional patterns and heal them
• Develop communication skills for deeper, more conscious connections
• Deepen your connection to the divine within you
If creating more conscious relationships and self-knowledge are a priority
in your life, then you owe it to yourself to understand your unconscious self.
This course will give you valuable self-knowledge to apply to your everyday
experiences.
Who is this course for?
• You’re tired of relationship patterns repeating
• You’re curious about how astrology reflects your inner world
• You’ve done therapy but still feel stuck
• You’re ready to do deep personal growth work
The Zoom Webinar and In-Person (SW Houston) Workshop begins every 8 weeks. Check my website for schedule. This is not solitary work. The 7th House teaches us that our healing must be shared. It happens in relationship, in reflection, in the willingness to be seen and to see others. As my teacher, Jungian analyst/Episcopal priest says, “I alone must become myself, but I cannot become myself alone.”
“My favorite part about being an Astrologer is helping my clients become aware of the birth chart as a map of their soul which manifests from day 1. As Jung said, “We are not born tabula rasa, (blank slates).” You will understand this completely when you have a consultation. My goal is always to help you forgive the past and let go. You are in charge of living your individuality in a creative way that is life enhancing, instead of repeating endless patterns and feeling victimized by your fate.” — Re
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Call 281-799-2900 to schedule an appointment with Re or visit shadowdance.com for more information.
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